AM I A STORY

How do I start this??????

I'm not only going through the covid as everyone else is, I'm a sufferer of Bipolar. (What the hell is it really) This is the explanation according to google https://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder#What-is-bipolar-disorder?

So now I am struggling with my own insecurities OR on a good day my self confidence. I now have to do it (semi) isolated due to being on lock down. (When the government says so)

Some days being on lockdown is so flipping awesome. I really love my own company. I also have days that I'm so lonely I can feel like I just want to die.

So this is where I am today.

The big questions: Why am I here.

Do you every look at life and wonder? Why am I here? My big question is Why is anybody here and where do they come from. (I'm not atheist - I'm not really sure what I am) I pray and thank God and ask for opportunities.

Life is so confusing, how do you live a normal life. (What is normal)

I know I'm not perfect and I know that there is no, one person that is perfect. Why do I live a life that is good and as best as I can and still struggle. I've tried the best that I can to be good and think GOD will take care of me, but I have my demons (are they demons) than I look at people that don't even try to be good and they are doing well. So what direction do I take?

PLEASE EXCUSE ME IF I'M ALL OVER THE PLACE. MY MIND IS ZIG ZAGGING.

I'm not a writer or someone that has ever written before. I'm just trying to express my ongoing change in feelings. 

Today started really well. I was confident that this was "MY DAY" I had a job interview that I was confident was going to go well, even though I still had doubts, I kept telling myself I had this. Nerves and all and left and continued to build my confidence.

So I went in confident, I've got this, than the CEO started questioning me and I'm on a roll with the answers (some doubt here and there, but I think it's going well) He throws me a question I have no idea how to answer and I'm dumb founded. I can't even remember what it was,  I answer I have no idea and suddenly the rest is history. I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about and I cant convince him I know what I'm talking about and that I know how to do this.. Eventually he tells me "I like you, but you have not convinced me you can drive my call centre. (I'm a Call Centre Manager) I said thank you for being honest. (In my head I'm thinking how do I fix this) I KNOW I can do this, I'm hands on. I'm not good at convincing you I'm good at doing the job. (SO NOW, I'M WONDERING DO I REALLY KNOW HOW TO DO THE FUCKING JOB)

So what do I do now. I've been doing this for 16 years. In my head I know I can do this, how do I convince you I can do it. 

So here I am again with the BIG question: Why am I here. I'M A FAILURE, I'M A FUCK UP.

I truthfully dont want to be here. I have good days and bad days. But see no sense in me being here. The only reason I haven't killed myself, is I dont actually like pain, I've tried a few times, from very young. But they have always failed. Truthfully I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. 

I dont want to be the person that leaves loved ones behind. And when I say loved ones,  I only dont want them to feel the loss of a love one. Family is supposed to be loved ones. The question is will my not being here really be such a bad thing. Yes, I'm your daughter, I'm your mother, I'm your wife I'm your sister. I'm your "friend" In my mind you will miss me for a while and than I will be a memory but will I really make such a loss in your life. In my mind,  The only reason you will feel great loss is because you will be alone.

I miss your touch, I miss your breath, I miss you being next to me. 

So where do I fix ME, is there a place for this, I've tried searching, there is so many answers. The big question is do I need to fix me or am I just going to be this way until I eventually die. 

I will eventually tell you the story about who I am. In my head I'm just another statistic. I'm just not sure of who's or what? AM I A STORY?